The Results Are In.
Posted on June 1, 2016
I got my period today.
Now, I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself that there is no need for me to be sharing this information on my blog and that it’s “TMI.” Perhaps you’re already prepared to just move along and not read this at all, but please bear with me. The reason I tell you this, is because it means that I’m not pregnant. And I desperately want to be. It’s been over year since my husband and I started trying and every month that rolls by that I have go to the store to buy feminine products, is another month that I’m reminded of the child that isn’t growing inside of me and another month that I mourn a child I never had. In the beginning, it was easier to put on the brave face, but after month four, five, six, seven, eight, etc., it’s nearly impossible to not feel my chest cave in, knowing it hasn’t happened and I can’t help but wonder….why? There have been many days when I’ve curled up on the bed, sobbing, while my husband holds me as he himself is trying to keep it together, trying to be strong. There have also been times where I’ve spent the entire day, motionless on the couch, crying while he’s at work and it’s not until it’s almost time for him to come home that I pull myself together, hoping he won’t notice my puffy eyes. The worst is when I’m 3-4 days late and I begin to get excited, only to have my hopes come crashing down because my body decided to be “weird” that month.
It’s confusing, it’s heart breaking, and I don’t understand any of it.
Maybe some of you think, it’s only been a year, give it some time. And you’re right, it’s only been a year. Well, over a year now. But did you know that between 85-92% of couples get pregnant within one year of trying? Currently, I’m not in that margin. I’m in the other one, in the 8-15% that’s not pregnant. I pray with all my heart that most of you reading this have children already or one day you will have them and be blessed enough to be in that majority. But for those of you who feel the pain of being in that 8-15%, I know this heartache.
I’m going through it with you.
I understand the feeling in your chest when it doesn’t happen this month. I understand the devastation you feel and how it seems as if you’re completely alone in this. You’re not. I understand the jealousy you battle when friends and loved ones are announcing their big news and how it seems that everyone, except you, is pregnant. I understand the feeling of hopelessness, sadness, disappointment and loss. I understand the moments when you see a glimmer of hope, only to see it vanish in an instant as you are once again heart broken. I understand the shame, the guilt, and the confusion you feel as you wonder if you’ll ever get pregnant or if your womb will always be empty. I understand it all, because I feel it too. I too, have wondered, why me? I too, have cried out to the LORD and wondered if He knows how desperately I want a child. Doesn’t He know that my heart is to raise this child to know Him? Doesn’t He know that I want to love and nurture this child with everything that I have? Does He even hear me? Does He even see me?
I promise you, He knows and He sees it. We are not invisible to Him.
However, in all of this pain and mess, I also know that there is something He needs for not only me, but for you to know, as well. He wants us to trust Him and He wants to be enough during this season. I know this is a hard pill to swallow, because I’ve spent many months trying to muster the courage to get it down as I wrestle with it every day. I want Him to be enough and some days He is and some days, truth be told, He’s not. There are days when my deepest desire to have a child is so overwhelming that just the thought of never getting pregnant makes me feel empty and broken. In these dark and painful moments I can feel Him calling me to sit with Him, calling me to cry out to Him, calling me to give it over to Him and to trust Him. There are days when, admittedly, I don’t want to give it over to Him, because it means trusting Him even if His answer is, “No.” I don’t know if I can face that possibility. It would be so much easier to trust Him if I knew His answer would be, “Yes.” If He assured me that I would be pregnant soon. What if the plan He has for me looks different from what I wanted? How will I handle that? Can I handle that?
Dear sister, I know how gut wrenching it may be to read these words right now and how difficult it might be to truly believe what I am saying. I promise you, these words are not easy for me to type as I too, am wrestling with this pain and am typing these words through swollen, teary eyes. I know it’s most likely not the bandage of comfort that you wanted and my story doesn’t have the happy ending that you might be seeking. In all honesty, I have no idea how my story will end and I don’t know how yours will either. But if you and I believe in the God of the Universe, who has woven everything together, we must trust that He is weaving our story just the same. We must trust that He sees more than we do. We must trust that His plan is perfect and so is His timing. Cry out to Him with me and ask Him to be enough. Let us ask Him to fill the void we are feeling, ask Him to sit with us and give us strength the next time we get a negative pregnancy test. Let us ask Him to strengthen us for whatever it is He is doing in our hearts and lives. Let us trust Him enough to let Him work in us and through us.
It is painful, I know. Trust me when I say, I understand. However, in all that, this is where my hope is found – I know that He sees beyond this season of longing and aching and He sees the beauty that He will bring from it. I have hope in knowing that He has written my story and yours, and that His plan and timing are perfect. It is the absolute hardest place for our hearts to be and is one of the most painful surrenders that we may ever endure. Beloved sister, hold on. Know that I’m holding on with you. Believe that He is good and faithful and that He knows exactly what He is doing. It is okay to cry, but find your strength and confidence in your Maker. Ask Him to lift up your face and to bring you back onto your feet and to help you trust Him with every fiber of your being, because….He. Is. Good.