When Hurt Runs Through Your Veins
Posted on February 17, 2019
No one goes through life unharmed. Everyone gets wounded, hurt and disappointed.
But what about when you go through most of your life closely carrying those wounds and disappointments? What happens when the hurt literally runs through your veins and becomes the core of who you are?
I used to live like this, carrying around each and every wound, guarding them as if they were something to be protected and preserved, not letting anyone take them away or come close. These wounds were my identity. They belonged to me and were what defined me. They were everything I knew and they shaped how I saw the world and how I interacted with people. They made me feel safe, as long as I wrapped my arms around them and kept them close. They were reminders of how vulnerability was dangerous, that people were dangerous, that love was dangerous. These wounds kept me from my perceived danger in the world. But they consumed me and I didn’t even realize it.
Then one day Jesus told me that He loved me. He told me that He died for me and that He knew me. He told me He had been there from the beginning
and He knew my wounds. And I believed him. Then He did something I never imagined…He asked me to give him the precious wounds that I was carrying. He asked me to give them all to him.
I couldn’t possibly hand Him all my wounds. He couldn’t possibly understand my hurts. He couldn’t possibly understand all that I had been through. I couldn’t possibly trust Him with these. Could I? I really should hold on to these myself…it’s safer that way.
He asked me to give them to him again.
Why did He want them? What did it matter? Why did He care that I wanted to hold on to these? I started to cling to them more tightly all while becoming more exhausted.
He gently asked again.
I decided to try, but I wouldn’t give him everything. I couldn’t bear to hand them all over, that was asking too much, and I wasn’t willing to do that. I would only allow him to take a few….but I was still afraid. I was afraid that if gave him everything that I tried so hard to protect, I would lose pieces of myself and pieces of who I knew myself to be.
And that’s exactly what happened.
I handed him my hurt from rejection. Suddenly, I no longer felt rejected but accepted.
I handed him my hurt from feeling unloved. Suddenly, I began to feel loved.
I handed him my hurt from disappointment. Suddenly, I began to feel satisfied.
I handed him my hurt that caused terrible shame. Suddenly, I was able to lift my head.
I handed him my hurt from broken relationships. Suddenly, I was given reconciliation.
Something was changing and I was beginning to trust him. The more I trusted him, the more He lovingly asked me to trust him with more of my wounds.
I handed him my wounds of abandonment. I began to feel cared for.
I handed him my wounds that caused anger. I began to forgive.
I handed him my wounds that caused anxiety. I began to feel calmed.
I handed him my wounds that caused deep sadness. I began to feel joy.
Little by little, I handed over more of my hurts, wounds and disappointments. With each one, He took it and healed it and was making me whole. As my heart healed, I started to understand why He wanted to take these from me. It was because He loved me. It was because He wanted to heal me. To restore me. To give me joy. To show me that while this life will bring us pain, He is the answer to that pain. He is the Healer of my wounds. I needed to be willing to trust him enough to handle what I deemed most fragile and precious to me. I can now see the beauty of my past hurts and wounds, but I can also see that they were never something to be carried for the rest of my life. They became most beautiful when He took them and made them beautiful. When wounds are truly healed, they no longer hurt. You see the scar, but you don’t feel the pain. They become a part of our story, but they no longer define us. When Christ is allowed to step in and heal those wounds, He defines us. He says we are not rejected, we are not shameful, we are not unloved, we are not broken, we are not worthless. He says we are accepted, we are confident, we are loved, we are whole, and we are valuable.
It is okay to trust him with your hurts. I promise.
- S Prev